Fingernail Ridges

Ugh, two days this week with shitty dreams. To be fair just about every night I have shitty dreams, but I'm talking about the ones that have extended effects on me and my day. Last night was another round of bullshit. Didn't help that I stayed up wayyyy too late waiting on my husband to come to bed. I can't fall asleep most nights unless he is in bed with me. A nasty side-effect of a bank robbery I was taken captive in. Not something I'm proud of, but there you have it.

When I woke up this morning I already felt tired as shit, could barely stay awake long enough to get my husband's stuff ready for work. Before he even left I was right back to sleep, couldn't keep my eyes open for nothing. You would think with the amount I sleep I would feel amazing. WRONG!

It's like I didn't sleep at all. Instead my whole body feels dry, tired, and strung out like I pulled an all nighter back in college. I've felt better coming off a major project that kept me up for 37 hours straight. This is what it's like for people like me—for those of us suffering from past trauma, depression, anxiety, PTSD, ect. We sleep more than average but we never get any rest. You should see me when I'm in the throws of restless sleep for a few days. I look like death, my brain can't function. Simple tasks are near impossible, and my moods are on a hair trigger. That doesn't even account for the body aches, like right now, at this very moment. My neck, back, shoulders all ache and my right boob is killing me! I think I slept on it wrong, or you know it hurts because I'm a female and I have boobs.

One of the things I hate most about these restless periods is I can't control the anxiety. Pushing down irrational thoughts is futile when your tired and worn out. There's no energy left to stop the irrational ramblings, so I find myself doing stupid shit when I should be working on projects. Yep, like this morning I wasted an hour thinking there is something wrong with my thumbnail because it had a ridge in it. The first half of the hour was spent wondering if I always had it and just couldn't remember, while the second half was spent worrying if it meant I had some kind of weird affliction.

Wonderful way to spend my time.

I've moved passed that now and am focusing on what the dream was that is causing me so much stress. For the life of me I can't remember. . . perfect. How can I address the source of my problem if I can't remember what it is, so that's were I am right now.

Too tired to work on anything productive. Don't want to sleep despite the fact I need it, because then I won't be able to get to sleep tonight. Stressed because something upset me, and annoyed because I don't know what it is. Not to mention freaked out because my anxiety is running wild and telling that the discomfort in my elbow isn't from working at my computer late last night, and is instead some serious medical condition. All while thinking I have breast cancer because my boob hurts.

Just a little insight into what it's like for people that suffer from mental illness. This is what we battle every damn day. Some days we rock it, and others. . . well we spend an hour obsessing over nail ridges.

#Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #ShowCompassion #EmotionalExhaustion #BeSupportive #MentalHealthWarrior

~Jax~