Scars From Mom-Book

I've been having some crappy mom dreams the last two days, and instead of allowing it to spiral my mood downward. I've been responding by working on my book outline. Venting through my writing on a bigger level. The thing about my dreams that always hits the hardest is my voice is stifled. In some I'm yelling at Dani so much I no longer have a voice. The main theme is I'm voiceless, unheard. So working on this book helps by knowing I will be heard. One way or another. I'm going to scream about the things forced upon me. The life I survived. Mother be damned. 

As I worked on the outline this afternoon I see the chapter headers and general info laid out and think, "Damn. . . DAMN, just a year of my upbring is more messed up than Jerry Springer special."  

Here are the first 30 chapter titles. They speak volumes on their own. 

Women’s Conference

Chapter 1 (Being laughed out for my depression and beliefs)

Life of The Party

Chapter 2 (Young Party Mom)

First Heartbreak

Chapter 3 (Bring ripped away from Nana)

Shitty Green Carpets

Chapter 4 (Sleeping on Motel Room floors (1st sexual abuse))

A1

Chapter 5

(Our apartment the contained hell)

The Girl In Fourth Grade

Chapter 6 (Second sexual abuse encounter)

Trust Mother

Chapter 7 (New brother and sister, no marriage, I mysteriously get sick after eating at moms)

Pennsylvania 

Chapter 8 (Moving 3,000 miles away from family.)

Alone In the Dark

Chapter 9 (Left alone, outside the room and family)

Our Family, Our Business

Chapter 10 (Beaten into keeping my mouth shut about abuse)

The Academy

Chapter 11 (Stepdad goes to the State Police Academy, becomes more of an ass)

The Year I Can’t Remember

Chapter 12 (Major sexual abuse/rape. 1st time I think about suicide. I was 10)

A Cry For Help

Chapter 13 (I tell the school something sexually awful happened to me. Mom allowed a doctor to rape me to prove otherwise)

Another Move

Chapter 14 (We move from that school district when they start asking too many questions. Now I know not to say anything.)

Hello Dad

Chapter 15 (Meet my dad and mom tells me he hates me.)

Split

Chapter 16 (Mom and stepdad split up, I become mom's lifeline to what sanity she has left)

I Understand

Chapter 17 (The kids start to get gifts, goodies, and more to help deal with their parents breaking up. Mom says I don't need that stuff bc she can't afford it. I tell her I understand. I don't though.)

Over the Mountain

Chapter 18 (Sam and Chet can do no wrong, we move again for them)

What Does She Look Like?

Chapter 19 (Mom avoided me for months while living in the same house. I forgot what she looked like for a long time.)

Blame Game

Chapter 20 (It's always my fault. Everything. Every. Last. Thing! My fault)

No Dreams For You!

Chapter 21 (Mom breaks me down. Tells me I'll never be anything because I'm fat and lazy)

The Chosen One

Chapter 22 (Samantha, the queen of the house. My sister is not just the baby of the family but the monarch)

A Scream For Help

Chapter 23 (I breakdown and cry in my mom's arms, telling her I don't know why I feel so upset all the time. She does nothing)

Dan

Chapter 24 (Sexually assaulted by mom's boyfriend.)

For A Mother’s Love

Chapter 25 (I refuse to press charges and when mom asks, I allow her to bring Dan back into the house)

The Limit

Chapter 26 (New school, sexually assaulted, living with abuser, mom degrading me more. I have nothing left)

The Art Life

Chapter 27 (I find comfort in art, and finally in online fantasy role playing.)

Fear of Fantasy

Chapter 28 (Mom doesn't like me role playing, she fears my creative nature, and bans me from all creative outlets. Art, computer, music, drawing, ect.)

Senior Year

Chapter 29 (It was hell, no one cared what I wanted. It was all about them.)

Another Move

Chapter 30 (God, I hope it's the last one.)

And that's all I got so far. There are still a lot more to go, probably another 20 chapters. Not sure yet, but damn. Isn't that enough?

#SurvivorTale #Abuse #SexualAbuse #BadMom

~Jax~

Lonely Mother's Day

My last post was fairly intense, to be fair I was pissed beyond rationale. Afterwards came the sadness, questioning my existence, ect. It was rough all the way around. I learned some very hard truths about my mother, her past, and how full of shit she really is.

However, this event—these things I’ve uncovered—have done something very positive for me. The last tether that has kept me clinging to Dani has been cut. Destroyed, blown to hell. I no longer have guilt when I think about her, and coming up on Mother’s Day that’s a big deal. This time of year I would generally be having a difficult time, fighting my shame and guilt over telling my mom to get lost. No matter what she put me through—what she’s done to me—I couldn’t shake the feeling of being an awful daughter. I still held onto the hope that maybe she wasn’t as bad as I remembered. Yeah, she was awful to me, but maybe not THAT awful. It’s an old thought pattern of mine, one Dani put into my head.

The thing that kept me bound to my mom—that held me trapped by her—was knowing she was a different person when I was a child. That for a few years things were good, or at least I thought there were. I can’t remember back that far, and I took Dani at her word. Then I started asking questions and found out she’s always been a piece of shit. It freed me, because I know there is no hope for her. No loving mother at any point in my life. She’s always been out for herself, and I can accept it. The evidence too clear to ignore.

This Mother’s Day there is no guilt or shame knowing I cut my mom from my life. The woman deserves a lot more than a simple “see ya”, but I am sad. In fact I’m hurting. My heart and soul aches to the point I’m not sure if I’m still alive. I’m not grieving over losing Dani, (fuck her) I’m grieving because I never had a real mother. I’ve never known that relationship, the care, or love. My father wasn’t around when I was growing up, and we have only now started to mend our relationship (this is all due to Dani pitting us against each other). But growing up I held onto the notation I had my mom—I had one parent—and to realize, at this stage, it was all an awful lie. That my family wasn’t different, there were completely messed the hell up, it strikes deep. I feel more lonely than ever this year. It’s as if I came from nothing, and I know there are people out there who will spin this as a positive.

Saying things like, “Look what you did without her,” “You raised yourself, be proud.” ect. But I never asked for that. The only thing I’ve ever wanted—since I was 4—I dreamed about a family, a loving mom I could talk and depend on. A fun father to guide me through life, and I had—I have none of that.

This Mother’s Day I’m grieving for all the things I never got to have. The standard that most people are born with, and it has pushed me to start writing a book about my mother, me, and all the awfulness in-between. It’s an extremely difficult process, I’m about half way through the outline, and for those interested it’s going to be named after this blog. Scar’s From Mom, is too fitting not to use. I’ll make sure to post updates and parts of my process as they come along. This book is going to be a fast write, but a horribly challenging one. I look forward to it.

For those of you with wonderful mothers, give them a hug for me, and for those like me. We’ll get through this together, honor yourself. Because you survived, but cry if you have to. There is no shame in it.

#AbusiveMom #Depression #PTSD #MothersDay #Grief

~Jax~