I don't usually write a blog post and
respond to things that happened right away. I like to give myself
some time to chill, get the emotional stuff out and think it over.
I'm used to measuring my responses, and being careful with what I
say.
FUCK THAT!
I'm pissed. . . beyond pissed. Every
freaking truth I've built my life on has been a FUCKING lie! But let
me start at the beginning.
My mom, Dani, has shared with me
stories about my father. They were great stories, even the ones where
she claimed he was a bastard. I was a kid clinging to every word
about a person I never met at the time. At first she used the stories
as a way to settle the inquiry of a child curious about her father,
and why he wasn't around. She told me how they met at Denny's, where
she worked for years, and how they flirted. She talked about them
selling insurance together, and how happy they were. How he named me
Jacqulene, something unique and oh-so-different. Then they turned
into a way for her to make me hate him, telling me about his parents
hatting us because she came from a broken home. Dani told me how they
ran her off, and kicked her out while she was pregnant with me.
Things went south, my dad wanted an abortion, but Dani put her foot
down and had me anyways. Dani made herself into a hero—my hero.
That's what I thought for fucking years (yes I will be using a lot of
fucks until I get it out of my system) up until just today. I allowed
her to use the, I had you despite the burden, to guilt me into doing
anything and everything! Now I find out none of it is true. Not a
damn one!
Okay, back up. I'm getting ahead of
myself.
After years of believing all this stuff
about my father, and allowing Dani to turn it into this him vs us
idea, I contacted him the same time I told Dani to fuck off. I sent
him a similar letter detailing how my life has been a nightmare, I
told him the truth. While he was off playing happy family with his
wife and kid, I was suffering. I got a letter back, a very heartfelt
letter back. I realized I never gave my father a chance. I met him a
few times in my life, like three maybe five times, and each time it
was very pleasant. He always seemed like an awesome guy, but I never
gave him a chance because Dani always had these stories of him
abandoning me. Not wanting me. . . Telling me I wasn't good enough to
be apart of his family. I believed what my father said in his letter,
because besides the stories Dani fed me, my dad had never been
dishonest with me. Never. With the questions I asked as a child, ect,
he has always been honest and straight forward with his answers. So
when I sent him a letter earlier this month asking for what happened
between him and my mom, asking the hard questions about me and if he
ever wanted me, I believe everything he has to say in return. He
didn't sugarcoat anything, he was straightforward and as far as I can
tell, honest.
On the flip-side Dani's lied me to a
lot through my life, over big things, little things. I trust her very
little, my dad on the other hand has yet to give me a reason not to
trust him. This letter I got back, I know it was tough for him to
write, mind FUCKING blowing for me.
I know, I shouldn't be too surprised
about anything Dani did or might do. My therapist has told me time
and again how she's a narcissist and borderline, but until you see
it—until you are face to face with the lengths someone is willing
to go to—your mind doesn't fully accept it. My mother is a
con-artist, a criminal, a lying bitch that doesn't care who she
destroys as long as she gets what she wants.
First off, my parents did not meet how
she said they did. Yes, they met at Denny's but my father never lived
in California like she said. My dad did not flirt with her, in fact
his boss flirted with her and hooked them up. He also never sold
insurance, like she said. They were never in love. Instead my mother
purposely got pregnant to rope my dad into marrying her. They didn't
even have a serious relationship, it was a causal thing where they
went out once or twice a week. She wanted someone to take care of
her, so she mouthed off to girls at his work that she got pregnant on
purpose to force him into marriage. My father was scared, and pissed
(rightly so) but never confronted her about what his co-workers had
told him. He kept this to himself because he didn't want problems
between them, he was going to try and make this all work. He was
going to take care of his child. She told him she couldn't have an
abortion because her uterus was all messed up from an abortion she
had before. Dani told me she didn't believe in abortion and never,
EVER, has had or considered one. Also, to add some fuel to this fire,
she DID go to see about having an abortion with me once she
discovered my father wasn't going to marry her. She has used this, I
had you despite the burden, guilt thing against me my whole damn
life. I felt like a owed her and had to do everything to make her not
think twice about having given birth to me. It was my father that
didn't believe in abortion, which makes sense because he is really
catholic, so this claim of him wanting the abortion never sat well
with me.
When their jobs fell through my dad
moved them into his parents until they got back on their feet, my dad
worked while Dani sat on her ass all day wanting his mother to wait
on her hand and foot. Yes, she was pregnant, but Dain always told me
stories how she was a hard working single mom. That she worked up
until the day before she had me waiting tables, bring in the money. I
looked at her as a superhero because of this. Guess what, it's a LIE!
My dad's mom asked him to talk to Dani
about it, see if she wouldn't mind at least helping out a little.
Like folding clothes while she sat on her ass. Dani got pissed off
and attacked my dad over it, things went from bad to worse and Dani
wanted to go live with her mom. She wanted to move to California and
stay there with family, so my dad bought her a plane ticket and tried
to stay in touch with her. Dani, went on her way along with unborn
me, AND my father's credit card and SSN. Which she used both to spend
a considerable amount of money. This is why I'm certain she didn't
work up until my birth, she was living the high life off my dad's
credit. She did stay in touch with my dad for awhile, told him that
she was giving me up for adoption which is fucking news to me. Do you
know how many times I've wished Dani had put me up for adoption? Do
you know how awful my childhood was that I wished like hell I lived
anywhere else but with her? This adoption thing never came up in all
the stories she told me about younger me, and how it was me and her
against the world when I was born. Fucking lair!
Then she disappears from my father's
radar. She up and vanishes just before giving birth. She didn't send
any word to my father, nor told him where she moved to until years
later when he got a letter from the California courts for
child-support. My father responded by requesting a DNA test, which
never bothered me. He had every right to want a DNA, even as a kid I
never thought it was a big deal, just a fail-safe. Dani didn't see it
that way. She doubled down on her, “your father hates you, you're
not good enough, he's an awful man.” Which, as a child I believed.
I really don't blame him for wanting a DNA test, even if their
relationship wasn't casual better safe than sorry. Cover you ass
people! Dani was clever with how she went about all this. We were
living in Pennsylvania when she went after my father for
child-support, but since I was born in California she was able to use
their court system to cover her tracks. My father still couldn't find
us, and he didn't have the money for a legal battle to get more
information. I understand that, I truly do. I realize the courts and
rules are there to protect people, but they really do more harm than
good when it comes to father's rights. I see all too often and I
don't even work within the legal system. So I don't fault him for any
of this. I mean yeah, I'm slightly upset he didn't fight for me, but
it's a very small anger. I know the deck was stacked against him.
When we did have little meet-ups, my stepfather threatened my father,
and Dani would often make time and dates for a meet-up my father
couldn't make, then blame him.
So yeah. . . I'm pissed. No, this goes
beyond pissed. Never in my life have I wanted to seek out my mother
and yell, scream, and demand answers. Honestly, I'm not above driving
the two hours to her work, marching into her very public office, and
demanding to know the truth. I'm seething, which is out of character
for me. Ask anyone that knows me in person, I don't show anger and I
don't feel rage but today I do.
The one good thing that has come from
this revelation is, I now feel NO attachment to Dani. I still had
some guilt about cutting her out of my life, that maybe I was being
too extreme. She did do the best she could with the life she was
given. Fuck that! If anything I haven't done enough to get her out of
my life. Her mental abuse still lingers in my head, but not anymore.
I don't believe a damn thing she has ever said. I'm not the lazy
loser she has made he out to believe I am. I am not pathetic, and
there is nothing wrong with my creative mind. There is something
wrong with her. I mean, shit. How do you deal with things like this.
. . these insane atomic-bombs of truth?
Why would she do these things? For what
fucking reason? Who does things like this?
I still had trouble seeing myself as
having an awful childhood, or seeing my mom as a 100% bad guy, but
today—now—I'm openly accepting her villainy. My childhood was
fucked. . . beyond fucked, and how I turned out as the nice person I
am, I have no damn clue. It's a mystery I don't have nor want the
answer to. I'm done with Danielle Dabrowski, and her bullshit.
#MotherLies #Conartist #Abuse
#ManipulativeMother
~Jax~
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