Cold Holiday

Told ya I would only use this blog when I needed it, and right now I need it. I thought yesterday was simply due to stress, I started feeling frantic. . . overwhelmed, but really it was the holiday depression settling in for a nice long haul.

I don't do well around the holidays, last year was the worst. It was the first year after I told my mom to take a long walk off a short pier. Not that the holidays were any better when she was around, but family. . . ya know?

Growing up in California there was always family around, everything was a big event. I miss that, and even when we moved to Pennsylvanian my stepdad's family was the same way. Everyone came together contained within a single house, and it was beautiful chaos. Kids ran around and played, the guys sat on the couch and watched football, and the women gossiped in the kitchen. The house was full of life, warm and inviting. Also, when other people were around I felt free. Dani (my mom) never yelled at me or said nasty things to me when other people were around. I knew to behave, but it was nice not being the center of negative attention. For a few hours, with my cousins, I was free—I was a kid. A normal kid.

I miss the chaos—I miss the endless roars of men cheering for their teams, and the laughter. The silly fights over favorite toys, and clanging of wine glasses from the kitchen. The pointless topics of conversation, speculation for the coming year, and plans for the next big family event. I miss it all, even if it was only a few moments in time where Dani and CJ wore a mask as a happy family. These were moments when I felt as if I was getting everything I ever wanted.

At the tender age of about 5-6 what do you think a kid wishes for more than anything?

A new bike, the latest toy on the market, cake?

(Okay, to be fair I think we all wish for cake no matter our age... I mean, it's cake!)

There was one very detailed thing I wanted. . . A simple child lost in an abusive world they didn't understand. I wanted a family, a real family. A mom, dad, maybe a brother, and some kind of family pet. In my dreams the mother was loving and did everything they could for their children. The mother was a person you could talk to about anything, a confidant to share girly secrets, and help through those hard times in life. The father, a tough but loving man. Someone who protected and cherished their family. A man that offered guidance and taught courage.

Yes, at 5 years old that's what I thought about. Those were the things I wanted and secretly asked Santa for every year. I even prayed, nightly, for god to grant me those things but it never happened. Instead I was delivered into a nightmare where my mother consistently competed with me for some reason, and when she didn't feel she was winning. . . Well, then I was given a disadvantage. Usually in the form of verbal abuse. I lost count how many times I was called lazy, worthless, and told the stories about how she sacrificed for me so I should be grateful for the scraps I got. All the while her loving husband, friends' children, and later boyfriends, sexually abused me.

I lived through nightmares holding onto a dream, and waiting for the next family dinner—my break from awful reality.

That's what I miss every holiday season, not my mother, brother, or piece of shit sister. I miss the warmth of people all around me. The security they brought, and the relief I felt on those special days. Now, for me, the holidays all feel cold. Lost to winter's embrace, because now the torment of my once living nightmares are locked away inside my mind. There is no way to escape them, and the holidays seem to intensify their hold on me. Dani's conditioning of how she thought I should act effects me still. I feel like an ungrateful daughter—an awful daughter for cutting her out of my life, but then what was I suppose to do? Continue to let her abuse me? Allow her to break me down, and prove time and again that I was nothing unless she had no one else to turn to?

I know I did the right thing cutting Dani out of my life. I'm mentally healthier for it, but like someone brainwashed by a cult her control still lingers. It makes me hurt and long for an actual mother. . . a real family. When I think about that it drives the pain deeper because I realize how fucked up my childhood was.

I just want warmth in the cold, a home to fall back on—I want connections to people—to my blood I never had before, and Dani denies me that. Her cruelty knows no bounds.

#Holidays #Family #LoveThem

~Jax~